The me within me that loves to sabotage

The remove command I use in the terminal… No proper backups… Working on several projects at the same day, simultaneously… Several terminal windows, several desktops… I can almost hear you screaming ‘Nooooo! This is a recipe for disaster! ‘ .

It was.

After all that struggle with many stupid things and the rush to get data (not to mention the idiotic mistakes that was made way before and during the rush) in March-April, I have spent the entire May to clean up the mess that was left from previous months. I have thought finally in June things would go back to how they were. I would just work on getting healthy data and finalize the atomization (no no not making an atom bomb here, just trying to type automation) of the parameterization for Drude force field… I did it again.

The me within me decided to sabotage me again. One thing led to another and long story short I have removed the scripts folder that was at my home directory. This folder held all the changes that I have made to the pre-existing scripts in the lab, and all the scripts&inputs I have prepared for everything that I have done/will be doing for the past 1.5 year and the remaining time in these projects.

I cannot even say that “I still have the brain that created those scripts, I’ll work day and night and to rewrite them”. Because I am not even sure if my brain is mine truly. It was after all with that brain I have removed that folder and didn’t take regular backups.

Make the time to create backups! I wouldn’t be crying now if I had a proper backup routine. I wish my body also had some backups. I would love to restore myself back to June last year. Absolutely everything is just going downhill ever since.¬† Restoring that month would be a good fix.

Why do science?

I haven’t felt this much before. Perhaps I was inexperienced or didn’t know how to relate to others. This year’s Biophysical Society Meeting while browsing the posters, I have sensed this fear of those few presenters. I know the topic they are working on, which I shall not disclose here, is quite hot because more roles were identified for that particular complex. It is one hell of a drug target. I understand the need for secrecy, yet I cannot help but to question why do we do this?

Why do we do science? Is it for the sake of saving lives? Is it simply the need to satisfy the thirst for knowledge? What is your reason to become a scientist?

Continue reading Why do science?

Testing the speed of sun-acquired redness under the sun of San Francisco

It’s fast ladies and gentlemen. I can no longer tolerate sun! Why? When? How exactly this change happened but I can no more brag about not getting red from too much sun.
Is it 7 years living in Sweden that altered my skin? Or because I was bragging too much that my body wanted to teach me a lesson? No matter the reason I have to become best friends with the sunscreen. Now I’m off to the conference venue.

Baltimore Communities and Bridges

This is a question I have been asking to myself. What is there to like in this city? When I say I’m giving it time but probably Baltimore is not the city for me, my dislike is directed towards not-so-good public transportation, not feeling safe, the invasive interactions (if someone’s t-shirt has a brand label sneaked out and displayed itself publicly, it is absolutely nobody’s business to touch me and turn that label back inside), and the culture of peeing on the street (not the homeless). When I find more and more things to dislike in the city, how some people could find more and more love here?
The answer was simple as I have learned yesterday. Community, support, friends like family. My airbnb host when I came to Baltimore is an amazing woman who has a great taste in furniture and a big heart. She has lived in several cities, but chose Baltimore as her home. Her reason to like Baltimore as I understood from her examples was the community she has formed here. One might say as a counter argument if you want you can form that community anywhere in the world. But that argument doesn’t work. Why?
She has a big heart; empathy and healing powers, the best I can describe without invading her privacy much. The conversation that took place at last night’s Friendsgiving dinner was not meant for public, so I have to do my best to convey the message without specifics. So to give an example, I see the bad in any situation and get frustrated, blame myself or others and leave at that. But she tries to understand, she listens without judging. She builds bridges as she put it. That is her role in this life. She also accepts that everyone has a different role to play, and if you have a more aggressive approach to solve a problem that approach is not to be destroyed but to put in use for the situations that calls for it.
Taking into account the fact that she is a person that builds bridges, she should be able to form that community anywhere in the world, shouldn’t she? But she chose Baltimore for this, or rather Baltimore allowed for that community to be built. Not any other city. Baltimore. Perhaps there are some truth in her words. Perhaps Baltimore is a city full with people that supports each other, one just has to give the chance.
The question is now this: Am I ready for it? Am I ready to allow people to my world? Am I ready to invite people to my house, my temple and watch it to be filled with different opinions? Am I ready to be healed?
Some things are difficult to be rid of. For example my philosophy is any women who has/had access to knowledge should stop following/believing religion. This is a very aggressive argument. It is an all-out attack. I strongly believe that women are better off without religious craps. Can I find a way to phrase this not in an offensive way? I formed this argument after many years with the idea that it would make them question what they believe. It is not something I can give up easily. I came to like its offensive nature (yes I am evil sometimes). Am I ready to trade this argument to create space for those bridges?
No, not yet anyways, not this argument. But there is something to learn about building bridges. Hear, listen and understand before judging. Now that, that is something I can work on. Perhaps while I learn to do that I will find myself a community to love, support and be supported. Who knows maybe I will end up making Baltimore a home to myself.

Still Alive

It is hard not to keep laughing at the recent events in both Turkey and USA. Not because it is funny, but simply because there is nothing left to do besides laughing hysterically. I hope that there will be some countries left on the face of the earth in the upcoming years. Sure as hell, Turkey as in my imagination will not be there. It is already gone.

Trying to cheer up but geez it is tough. I still don’t like this city but I’ll be around for a little more for sure (being another year or two). I have come back from shopping and wondered once again why I am just not paying over 120$/week to Blue Apron & Hello Fresh to avoid it completely. Even ignoring doesn’t help in this city. I really don’t understand how things got this bad in this city. It is not the poverty I am talking about. To give an example, there is a culture of peeing in the streets. No! Not only the homeless does that. It is difficult to see what this city has to offer when I just feel fear walking down the street. Sure, Istanbul wasn’t superb, but I am not living there am I?

At least research is progressing. It is a slow progress, but I have completed the parametrization of my first molecule. Confession; I am close to be finished Getting used to analysis in charmm, learning to work with SAXS data, … and many more things. Some analyses are just too slow in CHARMM, like counting waters. But other things are nice. Being able to select the residues on the fly and not dealing with an index file for example is heaven. Parametrization is easier… I repeat easier.

I should find the time to update the toolbox and put up proper references to the scripts. Quite a few of them are based on Samuel Murail’s scripts I have inherited. Now I am inheriting quite many scripts from Justin Lemkul. Aa, I don’t think I have mentioned that I had work with him for a short while before he moved on to Virginia Tech. If you have used GROMACS, then you have definitely heard of him. It is safe to say he is one of the celebrities in the field ūüôā Rumor has it he is looking for postdocs if you are interested.

October… It is that time of the year again. Nobel Prize announcements, BPS abstract deadlines and my birthday. Unfortunately, this year too I won’t get to celebrate it. However, this year’s gift to me is the trip to San Francisco, and the BPS conference. I will submit my thesis cover painting to the image contest. When I dream too much about something, it doesn’t come true. Nevertheless, I shall see if I at least make it to the finals.

Entertainment Parks

Found one other cause for the long-lasting muscle cramps. Entertainment parks… Being afraid of the roller coasters, and long waiting times of course two of the reasons. It was fun at least, but the cause is noted so next time I’m prepared.

Hershey Park is a fun place to be in summers for sure. The scaredy cat I am, I tried only two-three rides. The boat shaped slide is the best! It is way better than those roller coasters. There are maybe two not so bad roller coasters you can take. The rest is crazy!

BSFS

I had an awesome night! It is such an amazing feeling when you meet with people who are actually part of the science fiction convention, the organizing team.

Baltimore Science Fiction Society building is how I imagine my house to be, if I ever get a chance to settle down. Full of books… oh that smell that takes you to different worlds. Gives you wings to fly, gives you legs to run… Behind there is a bigger room where you watch the movies.

The members are so friendly. Had a nice little chat at the end. I think ¬†that society will make me like this city after all (and all the other amazing people I have met so far). Too bad, I will miss the Balticon :/ I am happy that I will see my friend from Bachelor and finally get to meet her cute little son. It would be awesome if one could have it all…

…cramps

My muscle cramps probably not entirely due to TAM. A recent event demonstrated clearly what happens before I get these long lasting cramps.

Say you go¬†out for dinner and have coffee afterwards. Everything is what you have been eating before. Stress level is of course slightly higher than usual. Everything is fine, you come back home. Coffee has no effect on your sleep, you see the pillow and you are out! You even don’t wake around 3am. So it is close to be a good night.

Then you wake up… you wish you didn’t. Every inch of your bowels hurts. You feel like you need to poop. But nope not gonna work. You wonder if you will get diarrhea. Nope, not the case. Something has irritated your digestion system. You stay home, eat yoghurt, water, bread… You make a salad for lunch. ¬†Then you eat nuts, yoghurt, bread… Nothing calms this down. It’s evening now, you want a better food. So you¬†boil cauliflower-broccoli with lemon and olive oil. You make cummin tea. You drink more water. Nothing works. Exhausted you go to bed.

You wake up the next morning. Starving… You think it is the usual morning hunger. You have breakfast, bread-egg-cheese-olives-rose jam. An hour passses… Two hour passess… You are still starving and it is getting worse. You need food but you shouldn’t eat too much so you eat yoghurt to survive till lunch. You take out a lunchbox frozen for emergency situations. Then you make salad as a second lunch. At this point you understand hobbits asking for second breakfast. You keep eating in small amounts. It’s evening, you get a headache. ¬†Again exhausted you go to bed.

You wake up the next morning. Everything is fine. You say thanks to your brain who fixes up problems while you are at sleep. Then you make an attempt to move. Ouch! Muscle cramps… ‘What a nice surprise, my dear. I have missed you so much!’ I must have really screwed up to have these cramps right after all that problems with the digestive track. You swallow a voltaren pill, 20mg. Nothing bad. Half a day passess, you realize nothing will help and it will last a few days. You can stock on bananas, spinach, paprika, etc. all you want, it has been messed up once it will take time to heal.

A neat sequence of events… Mess up your bowels, then your blood sugar levels (probably pancreas) and end up with long lasting muscle cramps. Isn’t it nice? ¬†And the best part is I don’t know what has irritated my bowels this much. I ate calamari, california rolls,¬†dumplings and salad. And I have eaten all that before. It’s not food poisoning. I would have been waaay worse otherwise. It might have been coffee, but there wasn’t any cream or milk in it. Last time coffee destroyed me it was¬†with cream, lost of cream. Maybe it’s the fried food.

I wish not to repeat this episode ever again…

Baltimore

Yeap, this entire city is on my things to avoid list. From what I heard, I should add the entire country to things to avoid list. Have you people heard about maintenance in this land?

There was a freaking cockroach in the office. There are labs in this building, how can you host pests?

Don’t get me started on the building I am living in. I have lived in a relatively old building in Sweden, but I have never seen something like this. Old doesn’t do justice here. It’s like abandoned. No proper hot water in the shower (this is the whole reason why I’m so pissed off), a very dirty noisy horrible heating/ac system, ridiculous blinds whose piece falls of once a month, no cold water in the kitchen, walking closet shelves painted with wall paint that will certainly stain my clothes if not for the towels I have laid, the kitchen wall paint is water based while it should be oil based because you know it is the fraking kitchen, there is a huge space between the walking closet door and the floor so if there is a flood in the bathroom that is the first place to get fraked up, oh oh oh¬†the bathroom was disgusting, kitchen cabinets are a joke that I want to meet the person who designed them in person (just because they are old doesn’t mean the design should be stupid)….

Where am I living? I shouldn’t tell, probably I am breaking some shitty rule written somewhere in my contract which I should have read in detail.

Aaaand don’t! don’t tell me there are people out there dying. I know that. I didn’t come here easy, I just want the fraking things I have been buying with the money that I earn with my brain, blood and sweat. ¬†Ok mostly brain, so what?!

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