Category Archives: My crazy brain

Controlling the happiness

I do not know when one draws a line and says ‘No, the happiness you are feeling right now, is not right? Just as your sadness the other day.’ I, once, asked a psychiatrist why he/she mentioned that treating bipolar disorder is the hardest. Her/His response: How can you convince someone that they shouldn’t be this excited, and happy? How can you even identify that their happiness would be self- harming? Continue reading Controlling the happiness

The me within me that loves to sabotage

The remove command I use in the terminal… No proper backups… Working on several projects at the same day, simultaneously… Several terminal windows, several desktops… I can almost hear you screaming ‘Nooooo! This is a recipe for disaster! ‘ .

It was.

After all that struggle with many stupid things and the rush to get data (not to mention the idiotic mistakes that was made way before and during the rush) in March-April, I have spent the entire May to clean up the mess that was left from previous months. I have thought finally in June things would go back to how they were. I would just work on getting healthy data and finalize the atomization (no no not making an atom bomb here, just trying to type automation) of the parameterization for Drude force field… I did it again.

The me within me decided to sabotage me again. One thing led to another and long story short I have removed the scripts folder that was at my home directory. This folder held all the changes that I have made to the pre-existing scripts in the lab, and all the scripts&inputs I have prepared for everything that I have done/will be doing for the past 1.5 year and the remaining time in these projects.

I cannot even say that “I still have the brain that created those scripts, I’ll work day and night and to rewrite them”. Because I am not even sure if my brain is mine truly. It was after all with that brain I have removed that folder and didn’t take regular backups.

Make the time to create backups! I wouldn’t be crying now if I had a proper backup routine. I wish my body also had some backups. I would love to restore myself back to June last year. Absolutely everything is just going downhill ever since.¬† Restoring that month would be a good fix.

Shopaholic

I am discovering a new side of me after this move. I am a shopaholic. I create excuses to buy items. I am pretty good at finding those reasons. The most recent one I came up with was I want to dance to ‘I am the Best’ from 2NE1 in the Dance Central 3 game. No other song, no other game. I want that song, that game. But it’s not available on Xbox One and it won’t the in the new releases; so I must own an Xbox 360. I cannot find a song or game to replace that. It must be that one for me to be happy.

I am unhappy without it. Why am I unhappy? Well that’s because I have a roof over my head and money to buy food. In fact I had so much that I could pay for this domain name and the server. I may not be able to participate in olympics but I can take care of myself, I am physically independent (sort of; setting up the IKEA furniture is a big no no still).

Forget about those above… I have access to clean water, electricity, birth control, tampons, and sanitary pads. These alone puts me in a more advantageous position in life than many other women out there. So instead of helping you all, I wasted money today on my own leisure. Forgive me. I will put a stop to this madness from this point on. Everytime I want to buy something for my leisure I make sure to set aside the same amount for donations. And if I can’t afford to both buy and donate, I shall not buy the item but still make the donation.

I caused the world a great deal with all that packaging ūüôĀ I feel terrible, even though it’s recycled it is still trash. A huge amount. I wonder if shipping would be a better option instead of buying all that new. I should have kept more items. Bummer!

Touchy and irritable

That is an awesome advice from my daily astro page, one that I should remember always. I have been trying to understand why on earth I would react so horribly to tiny tiny things. For instance, once I stormed because of a piece of bread thrown into trash. To be fair, it had happened before, it was not the first time. I had planned my breakfast thinking that I had bread. But then I hadn’t. So I just flipped… I was furious. It was literally the end of the world at that time, now I’m laughing at myself.

I still can’t figure out why but if astro says it, then it must be planets fault not my genetics.

Oh… please don’t look so surprised, I read astrology. I find it less dangerous then so-called holy books.

Screen Shot 2016-04-07 at 23.58.00

Pulatise Tinnitus Cure Found

I have been quite during the conference and after. I would have kept quite if it wasn’t for this kick-ass correlation analysis. The data you are about to see is revolutionary. I have been visiting doctors, trying to get to the bottom of this tinnitus problem. I literally want to stab my ears – only the right one to be honest- pretty much every night. But something magical happened during LA. It might be a certain religious magic, more on that at a later time, or it might be related to the temperature. You see in LA, 48h after landing, I was cured of tinnitus. The constant signal was there but I am¬†quite used to that bitch by now. The latest nightmare… pulsatile tinnitus.

It was quite magical. Day after day, I had good night sleep and nothing was playing in my ears. I didn’t get to taste full silence but it wasn’t thumping/buzzing. There were no drums. I thought maybe it is because I get quite tired during the day and pass out so I don’t get the chance to hear it. But I came back to Stockholm for 4-5 days… nothing… It’s like… nothing. I was finally free of it. Unbelievable…

Until it came back couple of days ago. Both during the conference and after I came back, I would feel like it was coming back for short periods of time (less than 15 min). During those minutes, I would feel something else; cold. My feet, my nose, my hands would get cold. When I put something on, keep myself warmer or start moving it would disappear.

In this house of course there is no keeping myself warm enough. The house temperature is slightly better than outside but certainly not habitable by my standards. I have wool socks, sleepers, wool carpet and a thin layer of laminate over the stupid linoleum but nothing keeps my feet warm. So my theory is that this annoying pulsatile tinnitus is related to my body temperature and circulation/swelling. Look at this beautiful graph:

tinnitus

There is no way that bullshit “Oh it’s your jaw” diagnosis is true. Now to gather real data, I should get several thermometers for indoors and for body, blood pressure monitor.¬†If this tinnitus sound is objective, I could also get recordings. There must be a next generation stethoscope, mustn’t it?

Yes I am going crazy over this. How can I not! As I said, I literally want to stab my ear, only it is not detached from me and I would be stabbing myself. I fear that would be enough of a reason to lock me up.  I will not stab in order to keep my freedom. However I will find a solution. Maybe within a year, maybe a decade or a century. And when I do, I will be wishing every doctor I have seen a nice travel to hell.

Padam… padam…

I wish there was an on/off button in our auditory system to eliminate the internal sounds. It’s really tiresome to hear these sounds all day long.

I kept saying it can’t get worse for sometime after the tinnitus started. Let me correct myself, there is tinnitus and then there is pulsatile version… If you think tinnitus is hell, you have no idea what you are talking about. You get the pulsatile one on top of that and now you have seen hell.

I couldn’t find any remedy yet to the problem other than a temporary relaxation while the ear is sealed but I’m afraid it will make the problem worse. It also doesn’t make sense. If this is my heartbeat/bloodflow why I feel relaxed when I should be hearing the internal noises more loudly?

I guess I should be prescribed the medication called ‘Nature’, find my peace with my nervous system and all should be well. Not much left… July-August… sea (me not swimming), beach, sun or a cabin in the woods with some books (there has to be a fireplace)…

Love microbes

On the bright side of being ill, I have a chance to do¬†Korean Drama Marathon. This time it was “Secret” and “Producers”. No I don’t recommend you to watch “Secret” unless you are sick and you just need noise to be around. “Producer” was bearable but it ended so abruptly. Watch “It’s OK, It’s Love” or “Master’s Sun” instead they are much better.¬†Being ill also gave me the chance to level up in Diablo 3. Now that my immune system kicked in, I get headaches and feel tired.

Day 4, this time my immune system reacted on Day 4. I’m of course not counting the days where I only had a sore-throat and did¬†everything in my power to prevent it. I tell you nothing works. If it’s gonna take over your ears, nose and throat, it will take over your ears, nose and throat. I envy people who takes one aspirin on Day 1 and they are ok the next day. This virus is quite different than the rest tough. Past couple of years, I got used to starting with¬†laryngitis and then having all the other -itis on the side. This one decided it will just mess my sinuses and ears.

It left me in pain with completely blocked ears for days. Not exaggerating the blocked ears. My hearing was impaired. Right ear was hearing 20dB less then usual, which would place me on the age of mid hearing loss. Left ear was still on the mild range as its used to be. I usually take pseudoephedrine and I feel better after. This time nothing helped. Not to mention the pain and the tinnitus.

Now that my immune system kicked in and it’s fighting, they are a bit better. But I have a headache that is not helped by paracetamol. I have never ever had a headache not cured by 500mg of paracetamol.

Talking this long about a simple respiratory infection, as you can guess I am quite bored. I gave blood samples for genetic screening last Friday. They are going to sequence my STIM1 gene. Hurray!!! Since I got the diagnosis as TAM, my doctor looked up some articles and decided that I should get this gene screened for mutations. Well I, of course, knew about this gene all along. But I try not be a know-it-all at the doctors office. Not always helps, like during my last visit to ENT. She spent 30 seconds on my diagnosis. She has an underbite. Her tinnitus and pain must be caused by the jaw. I hate to say it but it was bullshit. My jaw had nothing to do with it. Sure I might have predisposition due to the anatomy which would include my jaw shape but tinnitus and all that problems started after long lasting infection. It’s most likely eustachian tube dysfunction.¬†Diagnosing yourself doesn’t go beyond guess since I can’t take a CT or MRI to rule out anything else.

I should get rich and invest to the labs for the analysis of my upper respiratory infections. Or just wait for the STIM1 sequence. If there are mutations to it, it would explain my problems with them. I hate being sick. It hurts and nothing helps. I cannot even use onions for cooking when I’m sick. They burn like hell when I chop them.

And the wait begins…

Ok it hurts. It’s bearable but annoying. If you are a person who cannot scream like me, get ready shedding tears. They tried distracting me during the procedure, they did kind of an awesome job in that. But… oh dear… when they pull that muscle pieces out, I felt the entire muscle being torn apart from my knee all do way to the incision point.

It sucks that it will take a month for me to get the results. But can’t blame anyone. The decision making is done by professionals on different fields coming together once a month and going through all the cases for that month. The more minds¬†on the case the better the decision I guess.

A month and then we will see if all is on my head, or the pain is real.

In the meantime lying in bed for the first couple of days, coughing, writing. Hah maybe they will also diagnose my recurrent upper respiratory infections ūüėõ Also learned today, I’m kind of toxicated by 1000mg paracetamol, had a¬†good 5 hour sleep.

Lots of ‘Oh no! I didn’t finish the project!’s and ‘Why?’s …

Starting to feel like my brain is the crazy one here and there is actually nothing wrong with my body. Now I’m suffering from knee pain… I have been standing a bit more than usual, but so what! You don’t have to punish me for several days for that. I got the message already.

I came home early because of the pain with little motivation to finalise the analysis on GluCl, I decided to finish the project for the course ‘Software development toolbox‘. The course was very useful. I actually think I would do two PhDs within 5 years, if I had learned and applied all that. I probably should fail the course for delivering the project awfully late though.

Regardless for now I should focus on finishing the project, otherwise I’ll never start using github and I’ll never create proper documentation.

Here is the link to the project’s website: stb.proteinart.net¬†.