It’s Friday night, after I have been toyed with in Baltimore streets with no help from people around (luckily I wasn’t physically harmed and I still have my belongings) , I have no desire to leave the house. Thinking that if I am in my temple, nothing can touch me. I won’t feel sad, I won’t get mad.
How wrong I was…
Continue reading Lost Childhood
I do not know when one draws a line and says ‘No, the happiness you are feeling right now, is not right? Just as your sadness the other day.’ I, once, asked a psychiatrist why he/she mentioned that treating bipolar disorder is the hardest. Her/His response: How can you convince someone that they shouldn’t be this excited, and happy? How can you even identify that their happiness would be self- harming? Continue reading Controlling the happiness
This is a question I have been asking to myself. What is there to like in this city? When I say I’m giving it time but probably Baltimore is not the city for me, my dislike is directed towards not-so-good public transportation, not feeling safe, the invasive interactions (if someone’s t-shirt has a brand label sneaked out and displayed itself publicly, it is absolutely nobody’s business to touch me and turn that label back inside), and the culture of peeing on the street (not the homeless). When I find more and more things to dislike in the city, how some people could find more and more love here?
The answer was simple as I have learned yesterday. Community, support, friends like family. My airbnb host when I came to Baltimore is an amazing woman who has a great taste in furniture and a big heart. She has lived in several cities, but chose Baltimore as her home. Her reason to like Baltimore as I understood from her examples was the community she has formed here. One might say as a counter argument if you want you can form that community anywhere in the world. But that argument doesn’t work. Why?
She has a big heart; empathy and healing powers, the best I can describe without invading her privacy much. The conversation that took place at last night’s Friendsgiving dinner was not meant for public, so I have to do my best to convey the message without specifics. So to give an example, I see the bad in any situation and get frustrated, blame myself or others and leave at that. But she tries to understand, she listens without judging. She builds bridges as she put it. That is her role in this life. She also accepts that everyone has a different role to play, and if you have a more aggressive approach to solve a problem that approach is not to be destroyed but to put in use for the situations that calls for it.
Taking into account the fact that she is a person that builds bridges, she should be able to form that community anywhere in the world, shouldn’t she? But she chose Baltimore for this, or rather Baltimore allowed for that community to be built. Not any other city. Baltimore. Perhaps there are some truth in her words. Perhaps Baltimore is a city full with people that supports each other, one just has to give the chance.
The question is now this: Am I ready for it? Am I ready to allow people to my world? Am I ready to invite people to my house, my temple and watch it to be filled with different opinions? Am I ready to be healed?
Some things are difficult to be rid of. For example my philosophy is any women who has/had access to knowledge should stop following/believing religion. This is a very aggressive argument. It is an all-out attack. I strongly believe that women are better off without religious craps. Can I find a way to phrase this not in an offensive way? I formed this argument after many years with the idea that it would make them question what they believe. It is not something I can give up easily. I came to like its offensive nature (yes I am evil sometimes). Am I ready to trade this argument to create space for those bridges?
No, not yet anyways, not this argument. But there is something to learn about building bridges. Hear, listen and understand before judging. Now that, that is something I can work on. Perhaps while I learn to do that I will find myself a community to love, support and be supported. Who knows maybe I will end up making Baltimore a home to myself.
It is hard not to keep laughing at the recent events in both Turkey and USA. Not because it is funny, but simply because there is nothing left to do besides laughing hysterically. I hope that there will be some countries left on the face of the earth in the upcoming years. Sure as hell, Turkey as in my imagination will not be there. It is already gone.
Trying to cheer up but geez it is tough. I still don’t like this city but I’ll be around for a little more for sure (being another year or two). I have come back from shopping and wondered once again why I am just not paying over 120$/week to Blue Apron & Hello Fresh to avoid it completely. Even ignoring doesn’t help in this city. I really don’t understand how things got this bad in this city. It is not the poverty I am talking about. To give an example, there is a culture of peeing in the streets. No! Not only the homeless does that. It is difficult to see what this city has to offer when I just feel fear walking down the street. Sure, Istanbul wasn’t superb, but I am not living there am I?
At least research is progressing. It is a slow progress, but I have completed the parametrization of my first molecule. Confession; I am close to be finished Getting used to analysis in charmm, learning to work with SAXS data, … and many more things. Some analyses are just too slow in CHARMM, like counting waters. But other things are nice. Being able to select the residues on the fly and not dealing with an index file for example is heaven. Parametrization is easier… I repeat easier.
I should find the time to update the toolbox and put up proper references to the scripts. Quite a few of them are based on Samuel Murail’s scripts I have inherited. Now I am inheriting quite many scripts from Justin Lemkul. Aa, I don’t think I have mentioned that I had work with him for a short while before he moved on to Virginia Tech. If you have used GROMACS, then you have definitely heard of him. It is safe to say he is one of the celebrities in the field 🙂 Rumor has it he is looking for postdocs if you are interested.
October… It is that time of the year again. Nobel Prize announcements, BPS abstract deadlines and my birthday. Unfortunately, this year too I won’t get to celebrate it. However, this year’s gift to me is the trip to San Francisco, and the BPS conference. I will submit my thesis cover painting to the image contest. When I dream too much about something, it doesn’t come true. Nevertheless, I shall see if I at least make it to the finals.
I had an awesome night! It is such an amazing feeling when you meet with people who are actually part of the science fiction convention, the organizing team.
Baltimore Science Fiction Society building is how I imagine my house to be, if I ever get a chance to settle down. Full of books… oh that smell that takes you to different worlds. Gives you wings to fly, gives you legs to run… Behind there is a bigger room where you watch the movies.
The members are so friendly. Had a nice little chat at the end. I think that society will make me like this city after all (and all the other amazing people I have met so far). Too bad, I will miss the Balticon :/ I am happy that I will see my friend from Bachelor and finally get to meet her cute little son. It would be awesome if one could have it all…
Yeap, this entire city is on my things to avoid list. From what I heard, I should add the entire country to things to avoid list. Have you people heard about maintenance in this land?
There was a freaking cockroach in the office. There are labs in this building, how can you host pests?
Don’t get me started on the building I am living in. I have lived in a relatively old building in Sweden, but I have never seen something like this. Old doesn’t do justice here. It’s like abandoned. No proper hot water in the shower (this is the whole reason why I’m so pissed off), a very dirty noisy horrible heating/ac system, ridiculous blinds whose piece falls of once a month, no cold water in the kitchen, walking closet shelves painted with wall paint that will certainly stain my clothes if not for the towels I have laid, the kitchen wall paint is water based while it should be oil based because you know it is the fraking kitchen, there is a huge space between the walking closet door and the floor so if there is a flood in the bathroom that is the first place to get fraked up, oh oh oh the bathroom was disgusting, kitchen cabinets are a joke that I want to meet the person who designed them in person (just because they are old doesn’t mean the design should be stupid)….
Where am I living? I shouldn’t tell, probably I am breaking some shitty rule written somewhere in my contract which I should have read in detail.
Aaaand don’t! don’t tell me there are people out there dying. I know that. I didn’t come here easy, I just want the fraking things I have been buying with the money that I earn with my brain, blood and sweat. Ok mostly brain, so what?!
I am discovering a new side of me after this move. I am a shopaholic. I create excuses to buy items. I am pretty good at finding those reasons. The most recent one I came up with was I want to dance to ‘I am the Best’ from 2NE1 in the Dance Central 3 game. No other song, no other game. I want that song, that game. But it’s not available on Xbox One and it won’t the in the new releases; so I must own an Xbox 360. I cannot find a song or game to replace that. It must be that one for me to be happy.
I am unhappy without it. Why am I unhappy? Well that’s because I have a roof over my head and money to buy food. In fact I had so much that I could pay for this domain name and the server. I may not be able to participate in olympics but I can take care of myself, I am physically independent (sort of; setting up the IKEA furniture is a big no no still).
Forget about those above… I have access to clean water, electricity, birth control, tampons, and sanitary pads. These alone puts me in a more advantageous position in life than many other women out there. So instead of helping you all, I wasted money today on my own leisure. Forgive me. I will put a stop to this madness from this point on. Everytime I want to buy something for my leisure I make sure to set aside the same amount for donations. And if I can’t afford to both buy and donate, I shall not buy the item but still make the donation.
I caused the world a great deal with all that packaging 🙁 I feel terrible, even though it’s recycled it is still trash. A huge amount. I wonder if shipping would be a better option instead of buying all that new. I should have kept more items. Bummer!
I’m writing this here so I will be reminded from time to time when I browse through what I have written. It is dedicated to me from one, five, ten and fifteen years from now…
Continue reading Frozen Yogurt: The New Species
I should tell you all about life after obtaining the title PhD, what my next plans are or how happy I am to be part of a great article soon to be out on Nature Communications, or how on earth I came to open up a happn account… but I won’t. Instead I will tell you all about my tinnitus, and muscle pain. Continue reading Dear Fate